Well, here it is. My first blog. I have been telling myself to write this for years now. To finally get it done. To cross it off my ever growing to do list. One of my many to do lists. I seem to have a list for every aspect of my life, rather than one big one. It helps to keep my brain semi organized, but I still get lost in the shuffle every now and then. 

   I started The Loud Sound Bath as a passion project. Based on my own experience with sound baths and a constant dream that never goes away. A dream telling me this is what I should be doing. A deep pull within my soul saying that this is a way for me to help others. The same way so many have helped me. 

   Several years ago, my anxiety and depression took over my life. Myself, as I knew her, was gone. Sure, I was a wife, a mother, a friend, a sister, an aunt…but Adrienne. She was lost. Everything that made me who I was, seemed to have run away into the darkness, and was hiding from the world. 

   The days were long and the nights were even longer. Sleep? Didn’t exist. Panic during the day? 100%. Fear in the night? Always. My guts? Wrecked. My nerves? Shot. My skin would feel like it was on fire from the inside. And I don’t want to scare you with the thoughts ruminating horrifically in my mind, on loop. 24 fucking 7.

   And when I somehow finally did sleep, due to pure exhaustion, the nightmares that would fill my brain would leave me in an awful mental state as soon as I woke up. Not wanting to go back to sleep and fall into those horrible places and not wanting to stay awake either, left me questioning why am I here? What point do I have? This is not the kind of life I want. I am awful to be around. I cry all the time. I disappear into solitude and isolate. I don’t get out of my bed. I snap at everyone. I can’t leave the house. I don’t want to travel. I let my family down. I can’t focus at work. I am not eating or taking care of myself physically. There was a strain on my marriage and my relationship with my daughter suffered. 

   I WAS LOST. 

   I can remember laying in bed for hours on end, hearing my husband and daughter having fun in the living room, wanting so badly to join and feel human, but my brain was telling me I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve happiness. Lay in bed and suffer you lazy piece of shit. On repeat. Adding to all this, I also have a chronic autoimmune disease, Rheumatoid Arthritis, which comes with its own bucket of fun. So trying to figure out what is all in my head, and what is real when it comes to pain and issues. Just another layer of shit to add to my large pile. 

   Many nights, I wouldn’t want anyone near me, but couldn’t be left alone with my thoughts. My husband would sleep on the floor, just outside of our open bedroom door. To be near, but not close. Simply because he is amazing. And loved me. And still does. He is my constant. One of the biggest reasons I never gave into my brain telling me I don’t deserve this life.

   When I look back at that time in my life, I realize I had been dealing with anxiety and bouts of depression for a very long time. Just not knowing what it was, or why, or how to even begin to manage it. 

   So let’s talk about my life at that time. Normal. Work full time, bills are paid, seemingly a happy, normal, young family who has had their life on track. I am not bragging, but we work hard for our life and how we live it. I say this to help you see that a big theme in my brain was “You stupid bitch, your life is just fine. Why are you so stupid? Why are you like this? Why can’t you just be normal? So many have it so much worse.”

   Those are awful things, among many others, my brain would tell itself all the time. Anxiety and depression does not give a shit who you are. How much money you have. What your job is. Who you know. It does not care. 

   For me, reaching rock bottom with my mental health was needed. I needed to shed the person I was before. I knew I had to make the care for my mind and body my #1 priority. They say mind over matter and they are not lying. 

   I went to a sound bath on a whim. I knew what they were, but never tried. And I had heard they can be intense. Mentally. Which is something that always scared me. Be alone with my own thoughts? Fuck no. Be present and not let my mind race? Impossible.

   But I went. And I will never forget how it made me feel. For the first time, in longer than I can remember, I was able to be still and my mind was calm. The scenes, the sounds and the intense relaxation my mind and body felt, was like nothing else. I was hooked. And the rest is history. 

   Thanks for reading. 

              Adrienne